PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania–The Pittsburgh Steelers announced today that they have convinced star quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to sign a long term protective order that will keep him at least 500 feet away from all females for the rest of his Hall of Fame career.
“It was very important to us, and all our female fans, that we get this thing done in the offseason,” said team president Art Rooney II, “That way, Ben will be able to focus on winning games and getting this proud franchise back on the road to Super Bowl contention, and women around here can feel a little safer when they are out at night.”
Rooney said he believes the team is a player or two away from building a legitimate championship-caliber team, and one drunken Roethlisberger sex assault away from the top pick in next year’s NFL draft.
“With next year’s draft class looking pretty thin at quarterback, we weren’t about to take any chances,” Rooney said, “And, a lot of Steelers executives and coaches have college-age daughters to think about.”
The AFC North has been a traditionally tough division, so the Roethlisberger signing was seen as extremely important. Division rival the Baltimore Ravens lost star running back Ray Rice when they failed to sign him to a similar deal.
“Plus, the Browns got Johnny Manziel into rehab before he ever had the chance to get any charges pressed against him, so it was important to be proactive with Ben,” Rooney said, “We’re all just really thrilled that Ben Roethlisberger will be able to retire as a Steeler, and live out the rest of his life a free man.”