Crow: “It could be worse.  I could be black.”

ALLEN, N.M.–Daniel Crow plans to celebrate Columbus Day this year as he does every year: by sleeping in and collecting a paycheck without having to go to his job as a janitor at the Allen Post Office.

“It’s just nice to have the day off and get paid,” says Crow, a member of the Navajo tribe, “Even though this holiday commemorates a terrorist who started a centuries-long campaign that ultimately led to the deaths of millions of indigenous peoples, including many of my ancestors.”

Crow says the day allows him to spend the previous Sunday drinking with his friends and watching football on television at the local sports bar.

“Luckily, this year the Sunday night game featured my beloved Washington Redskins,” says Crow, ” A team that I follow even though their mascot is an obvious slur against me and my people.  I’ve been blessed to be numbed against such blatant racism by a society that has systematically punished members of my tribe and all indigenous tribes for speaking out against disrespectful representations and policies regarding my heritage.  It’s always really nice to get this day off.”

Crow says that he and other members of his tribe feel incredibly lucky that white Europeans, led by the great Christopher Columbus, landed in this country, where between 50 and 100 million indigenous peoples were waiting to be discovered.

“The 90% of indigenous peoples who were either slaughtered or succumbed to diseases introduced by the Europeans were really a small price to pay, when you think about it,” Crow says, “If not for the white man, I probably wouldn’t have access to the cheap alcohol that my friends and I drink to fend off the ever-present despair of reservation life.  Hell, I probably wouldn’t even have my job at the post office, from which I am taking this much-needed paid holiday.  Bless you, Christopher Columbus.”