The Red Rocker also discovered additional ways to get wasted
LOS ANGELES–Veteran rocker Sammy Hagar made several unsuccessful attempts to describe himself as flabbergasted before ultimately settling on the much simpler to pronounce, “stunned”, after discovering a second way in which to successfully “rock.” Hagar says he made the discovery while channel surfing late one evening when he happened across footage of the 1972 Neil Diamond concert film, Hot August Night.
“I was flubberbusted, er, flaggelated, uh, flipperbabies?” Hagar explained, “I mean, I was stunned. All these years I have truly believed that, while there are several ways to make love, and many, many ways to get high, there is only one way to rock. I even wrote a song about it.”
The song in which Hagar made the original proclamation is the appropriately-named 1981 hit, “There’s Only One Way to Rock.” In the song’s lyrics, Hagar states that while many may disagree, it is a cold, hard fact that rocking can only occur through a single course of action. Cryptically, the Red Rocker never actually explains the exact method that he believes rocking will be attained, only that it must occur at exactly 8:05 (presumably P.M., Pacific Standard Time), and that drums and bass should be cranked up. Now the aging rocker says he must reevaluate his entire belief system.
“Watching Neil Diamond made me question everything,” said Hagar, “The drums barely registered. The bass was prominent, but subtle. And yet, Neil fucking rocked. And it was, like, 11:45!”
Hagar said he wishes he had made the discovery 30 years ago, as it could have resulted in a much different career path. Following the success of the record, Hagar’s next single, “There’s Only One Way to Skin a Cat” was met with lukewarm reviews. He followed that up with anther disappointment, “There’s Only One Way to Pronounce Tomato”. After those misfires, Hagar settled into a career that saw him make progressively worse and uninformed music choices, including joining the band, Van Halen.
“There have been some tough years,” Hagar said, “I started to question my songwriting abilities, and never got a response. I finally realize that the reason for that is because they didn’t exist. I made them up. How fucked up is that? But Neil Diamond has shown me that there is another way to rock. Hell, for all I know there could be dozens. I only hope that there’s still enough time for me to make up for all the absolute shit music I’ve put out over the years.”
This was stolen from The Onion, circa 1996
Not stolen from anywhere, circa anywhen. Any similarities to other pieces are purely coincidental