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Monthly Archives: January 2016

Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants Dying 14-Year-Old Boy’s Wish to Have Sex With Jerry Sandusky

January 16, 2016by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

Sandusky calls prison “Way better than I expected.” FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last […]

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Lifestyle

Nation’s Flies Rally Against Proposed Fly Swatter-Control Bill

January 16, 2016by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation’s capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters.  The […]

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Legal

Proposed Oklahoma Law Would Require A Woman To Knit Tiny Booties Prior To Getting An Abortion

January 16, 2016by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

OKLAHOMA CITY–A proposed new Oklahoma state law is under attack by women’s rights groups who argue that it will make it more difficult for a woman to choose to have an […]

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Legal

Local Pig Desperately Trying To Learn To Talk As Slaughterhouse Date Approaches

January 16, 2016by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

SPRINGFIELD, MO—In just over a month, local pig farmer Dan Hankins will load this season’s yearlings into a trailer and transport them to the slaughterhouse. Fattening pigs, as they are […]

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Agriculture

Frosty the Snowman Calls Climate Change “Greatest Hoax Ever Perpetrated”

January 16, 2016by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

Living proof BOSTON, Massachusetts–Legendary children’s entertainer Frosty “The Snowman” Goldstein testified before congress today on the subject of climate change.  The former actor, who gained fame in the 1960s with […]

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Science

Congress Passes Bill Changing Pronunciation of W

January 16, 2016by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, D.C.–The U.S. Senate narrowly passed a bill to change the pronunciation of the letter W.  Traditionally pronounced ‘double-you’, the new pronunciation, should the president sign the bill into law, […]

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Politics

Film Critic Lucky Steven Seagal Doesn’t Know What Corpulent Means

January 16, 2016by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

Confucius says, ‘Never leave a donut untouched’ HOLLYWOOD–When film critic Peter Falconer met action star Steven Seagal at the popular Los Angeles eatery, Ernesto’s, he was nervous that the actor […]

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Entertainment

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  • Texas Governor Suggests Abortion Could Gain Support if it Were Performed by Shooting the Fetus
  • Investigation Reveals That I Fucked Your Mom
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  • "Exploding Arm Syndrome" Completely Unrelated to COVID-19 Vaccine, says Pfizer Rep
  • Texas Pushes to Outlaw All Abortions Except in Cases Where Fetus Poses Threat to Mother and Father

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