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Category Archives: Lifestyle

Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants Dying 14-Year-Old Boy’s Wish to Have Sex With Jerry Sandusky

January 16, 2016by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

Sandusky calls prison “Way better than I expected.” FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last […]

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Lifestyle

Evidence Suggests Motorist Up Ahead Thinks He’s the Only One on the Goddamned Road

August 28, 2015by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida–Evidence continues to mount that the driver of the vehicle just up ahead must think he’s the only motorist on the goddamned road, according to a source at the scene. […]

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Lifestyle

Activist Forced to Admit Stuffed Cecil the Lion Makes Stunning Trophy

August 24, 2015by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

So majestic BLOOMINGTON, Minnesota–Noted animal rights activist Jasmin Willowtree said today that while she stands by her view that big-game trophy hunting is a cruel and selfish practice, she was […]

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Lifestyle

Girl Scouts to Offer Online Scouting

May 13, 2015by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY–In an effort to increase membership and an eye toward modernization, the Girl Scouts of the United States of America will soon begin allowing girls to complete many […]

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Lifestyle

Jesus Bummed Birthday Falls on Same Day as Christmas

December 24, 2014by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

HEAVEN–Saying He realizes it sounds a little shallow and immature, Jesus admitted today that having His birthday fall on Christmas is a bit of a bummer. “It’s like you only […]

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Lifestyle

Nation’s Parents Name Adrian Peterson New Boogeyman

October 20, 2014by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

He’s coming for you! WICHITA, Kansas–The Center for Parental Discipline announced this week that suspended Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson has been named the new Boogeyman and will be […]

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Lifestyle

Nation’s Sixth-Graders Prepare to Choose Sexual Orientation

September 15, 2014by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

DEERFIELD, Illinois–Across the nation, sixth-graders are feeling a combination of nervousness and excitement as they prepare for the traditional Day of Decision,on which they will announce their chosen sexual orientation. […]

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Lifestyle

Conjoined Twins Masturbation Session Gets Weird

February 14, 2014by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

Kevin Bacon brings out the worst in people GEYSER SPRINGS, IN—32-year-old conjoined twins Frieda and Cookie Jenkins reported that their relationship became somewhat uncomfortable last Saturday night following a viewing […]

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Lifestyle

Friends of Heroin Addict Comforted to Know He Died Doing What He Loved

February 4, 2014by Sal Kingfisher 1 Comment

“This is how I’ll always remember Jeff” ST. LOUIS–Friends and family of Jeff Moore gathered to share memories and anecdotes about the former musician today.  Moore, 45, who was found […]

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Lifestyle

Two Decades Later, Cupid Still Haunted By Julia Roberts, Lyle Lovett Misfire

January 26, 2014by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

He plans to start a new fitness program either later this week or next week HOLLYWOOD–The first thing you notice upon entering the West Hollywood apartment is the filth.  The […]

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Lifestyle

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  • Texas Governor Suggests Abortion Could Gain Support if it Were Performed by Shooting the Fetus
  • Investigation Reveals That I Fucked Your Mom
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  • "Exploding Arm Syndrome" Completely Unrelated to COVID-19 Vaccine, says Pfizer Rep
  • Texas Pushes to Outlaw All Abortions Except in Cases Where Fetus Poses Threat to Mother and Father

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