Kevin Bacon brings out the worst in people

GEYSER SPRINGS, IN—32-year-old conjoined twins Frieda and Cookie Jenkins reported that their relationship became somewhat uncomfortable last Saturday night following a viewing of the Kevin Bacon film, Footloose.

“Frieda is a huge Kevin Bacon fan, although I’ve never really seen him as that attractive,” Cookie says, “He just always has struck me as a little strange-looking.”

According to Cookie, after the end credits rolled, Frieda mentioned that she was ready for bed, although she was hoping to catch a late showing of the Will Ferrell film, Elf.

“I hadn’t seen Elf in a while,” Cookie reports, “But Frieda was in one of her moods. She kept remarking about how Kevin Bacon looked so hot in that tank-top.”

The sisters have individual hearts and lungs, but share a digestive system and sexual organs. But Saturday night, Cookie claims they shared a little more than either had bargained for.

“Look, we masturbate, just like anyone else,” Cookie says, “It can kind of suck when one of us isn’t in the mood. But Frieda was so worked up by Kevin Bacon that she wasn’t taking no for an answer.”

Cookie said she tried to simply go to sleep once she realized what Frieda had in mind, but soon realized that would not be an option.

“She went for the vibrator, also named “Kevin Bacon”, almost immediately,” Cookie recalls, “Right away she was on top of me. Or I was on top of her. It’s kind of hard to tell. We’re pretty much at zero degrees of separation.”

Things quickly went south when “Kevin Bacon” literally went south on the twins.

“Hey, that’s my asshole too,” Cookie says, “But Frieda just smiled and said, ‘Kevin Bacon wants what Kevin Bacon wants’. I’ve been trying to give her the silent treatment ever since, but, you know, anytime I speak at all she’s right there.”

According to Cookie, all Kevin Bacon films will be strictly forbidden for the foreseeable future. Frieda Jenkins was unavailable for comment on this story.