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Monthly Archives: August 2013

Poorly-Written Suicide Note Fails To Engage Readers

August 20, 2013by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

Experts suggest adding images and links, along with proper key word placement DEL BOCA VISTA, FL–Friends and family are still stunned following the death of Nathan Thomas, a 22 year-old […]

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Lifestyle

Film Critic Lucky Steven Seagal Doesn’t Know What Corpulent Means

August 14, 2013by Sal Kingfisher 2 Comments

Confucius says, ‘Never leave a donut untouched’ HOLLYWOOD–When film critic Peter Falconer met action star Steven Seagal at the popular Los Angeles eatery, Ernesto’s, he was nervous that the actor […]

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Entertainment

Zookeepers Frustrated By Kinky Panda That Will Only Ejaculate on Mate’s Back

August 12, 2013by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

Sometimes he just glazes the whole room CHICAGO–Excitement has turned to frustration at the Chicago Zoo, as officials who had hoped the zoo’s lone female panda bear, Muffin, would successfully […]

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Lifestyle

Key to Johnny Manziel’s Pay For Autogragh Defense Will Be That QB Can’t Read or Write

August 6, 2013by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

The poor, illiterate idiot couldn’t read the “Players Only” sign COLLEGE STATION, TX–As more and more evidence emerges implicating Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, who won the Heisman Trophy after […]

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Sports

This Day in History: 20 Years Ago An Insane George Lucas Vowed to Destroy His Star Wars Franchise

August 5, 2013by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

Step One: This Nightmare August 5, 1993–A decade had passed since Return of the Jedi, the final film in George Lucas’ influential and wildly successful Star Wars trilogy, and for […]

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History

G.M. Jerry Jones Named Dallas Cowboys Employee of the Month 288th Consecutive Time

August 5, 2013by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

The Cowboys owner led the applause as G.M. Jones was announced as Employee of the Month ARLINGTON, TX–In a quiet ceremony attended by the entire Dallas Cowboys organization, team General […]

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Sports

Homeless Man Can’t Believe He’s Fucking Meg Ryan

August 3, 2013by Sal Kingfisher 2 Comments

Lucky guy? HOLLYWOOD–When 58 year-old Homer Allman was at his lowest point, he never dreamed he would feel anything but shame and misery when describing himself to others.  Ten years […]

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Entertainment

Scientists Discover That We Are All Living Inside the Mind of Autistic Child

August 1, 2013by Sal Kingfisher Leave a comment

The lord our god ARKANSAS CITY, KS—Scientists at Cowley County Community College published the results of a study this week, which they say proves that the world we are living […]

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World

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  • Texas Governor Suggests Abortion Could Gain Support if it Were Performed by Shooting the Fetus
  • Investigation Reveals That I Fucked Your Mom
  • Lauren Boebert Says Colorado Gunman Fell One Kill Short of Earning Free Meal at Shooter's Grill
  • "Exploding Arm Syndrome" Completely Unrelated to COVID-19 Vaccine, says Pfizer Rep
  • Texas Pushes to Outlaw All Abortions Except in Cases Where Fetus Poses Threat to Mother and Father

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