Confucius says, ‘Never leave a donut untouched’

HOLLYWOOD–When film critic Peter Falconer met action star Steven Seagal at the popular Los Angeles eatery, Ernesto’s, he was nervous that the actor would take issue with his recent review of Seagal’s latest direct-to-video release, Punch of Death.  In his review of the film, which he described as “akin to a sumo-wrestling match,” Falconer took several jabs at Seagal’s weight gain.  But Falconer says the actor couldn’t have been more gracious.

“Mr. Seagal was incredibly pleasant,” Falconer says, “He somehow interpreted what I’d written as a compliment.  He seemed to think that I actually enjoyed sitting through the debacle of a film that he believed would put him back on the A-List.”

Falconer says the formerly svelte star actually thanked him for writing such a glowing review, in which Seagal is described as “an aging, corpulent version of a once vital screen presence.”

“Seagal’s is indeed an imposing man,” Falconer says, “And pretty much exactly like he appears on screen.  They say the camera adds ten pounds, but the truth is, he actually seems a little chubbier face to face.  Not morbidly obese, mind you, but I was somewhat surprised that he was able to get around so well.”

Falconer says Seagal actually told him that his friends and family have taken to addressing him as “The Corpulent One” after the star sent them all copies of the review, which he says is also framed on his bedroom mirror.

“It was pretty obvious that Mr. Seagal had no idea what the word ‘corpulent’ means,” Falconer says, “He took it as a compliment.  I think he believed I was calling him wise or something.  I was about to shit myself the whole time.  The guy is fucking huge.”

Falconer says Seagal invited he and his family to a private screening of the film at the actor’s mansion, but he politely refused.

“I had to come up with something quick,” he says, “Because I wasn’t 100% sure he wasn’t just fucking with me.  I know the guy’s a Buddhist, or whatever, but if he really was able to comprehend what I was saying in the review, he may just try and kill me.  I feel really lucky.  In my first draft I wrote ‘fat as fuck,’ but I changed it because corpulent sounded more poetic.”