Defiant Kristi Noem Tears Head off Kitten During Press Conference
PIERRE, South Dakota — South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem apparently doubled-down on her image as a tough as nails country woman earlier today when she stood in front of the […]
Experts Say Intense Bullying Still Best Way to Unlock Telekinetic Abilities
LANDOVER, Maryland–Dr. Theodore Jennings, a behavioral psychology researcher at the King-White Institute, has authored a report showing that sustained, dehumanizing childhood bullying is still the best and most effective way […]
Thoughts and Prayers Most Effective as Preventive Measure, God Says
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah–Speaking today at the Favored Children’s Conference at Brigham Young University, Our Heavenly Father shed light on a topic that has been heavily debated over the past […]
NFL to Fund Study on Effects of Concussions on Players’ Spouses
Spending less time online and more time cleaning has proven to be effective at reducing the risk of concussions NEW YORK CITY–In light of recent reports on the growing problem […]
Three Decades Later, Cupid Still Haunted By Julia Roberts, Lyle Lovett Misfire
He plans to start a new fitness program either later this week or next week HOLLYWOOD–The first thing you notice upon entering the West Hollywood apartment is the filth. The […]
Taylor Swift Announces Birth of Third Child
KANSAS CITY, Missouri–Pop superstar Taylor Swift announced today on social media that she has given birth to a baby girl. The reclusive singer, who is known to shun the spotlight […]
Doctors Now Say Some Moderate Shaking Can Be Good for Babies
LONDON–Dr. Kal Memon at the CHI Saint Lawrence Pediatric Research Hospital said this week that recent research has shown that developing babies can reap great benefits from light to moderate […]
Trump: Abortion OK Only When Made to Look Like Miscarriage
NEW YORK CITY–In an apparent attempt to appeal to both Republican and Democratic voters, GOP Presidential Nominee Donald Trump today clarified his stance on abortion. “Abortion is wrong–period. I’ve […]
Texas Governor Suggests Abortion Could Gain Support if it Were Performed by Shooting the Fetus
AUSTIN, Texas—Earlier today Texas governor Greg Abbott told reporters he believes the state could easily change its wholesale opposition to abortion if there were a way to complete the procedure […]
Investigation Reveals That I Fucked Your Mom
TULSA, Oklahoma—Following a brief investigation, officials say they have uncovered overwhelming evidence that proves that I fucked your mom last night. Citing my intimate knowledge of her ass that is […]
Lauren Boebert Says Colorado Gunman Fell One Kill Short of Earning Free Meal at Shooter’s Grill
BOULDER, Colorado–Rep. Lauren Boebert condemned the actions of a man who opened fire at a King Soopers grocery store on Monday, killing ten. “It’s such and act of cowardice to […]
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