AUSTIN, Texas—Earlier today Texas governor Greg Abbott told reporters he believes the state could easily change its wholesale opposition to abortion if there were a way to complete the procedure with a well-placed shot from a high caliber assault rifle to the head of the fetus.
“I think the laws would change overnight,” Abbott said, “Hell, you wouldn’t even need an assault rifle. If you have a steady aim, and are acting under the care of a licensed healthcare provider, you could even use a pistol. Or my name ain’t Texas governor Greg Abbott!”
Abbott said it is likely that abortion numbers would skyrocket in the state if such a procedure could be perfected.
“We would start seeing increased pregnancy rates just so people could get more abortions,” Abbott claimed, “But it would only work if we did away with the liberal propaganda that fetuses aren’t real people. They’d have to be people.”
“Or my name ain’t Texas governor Greg Abbott,” he added.