Must have a great headline.
Be funny, dick.
Make it close to AP style.
Commentaries and Letters to the Editor welcome. But be funny. Or stupid. Preferably both.
Share with your friends on social media if you are chosen, which you probably won’t be. You probably don’t have any friends, either.
Mean-spirited is fine, if it has a point. Irony is awesome. Pure stupidity is sublime.
Send all submissions or questions to Sal Kingfisher at email@example.com
Frequently asked questions
Q: Do I get paid?
A: No. But you will get tremendous exposure. BWN is read by over 2 billion subscribers per hour. And you will receive a lifetime supply of breathable air.
Q: If my work is accepted, how do I get paid?
A: Are you dense? We just told you there is no pay. Jeeze.
Q: If my story is used, how will it make me feel?
A: You will feel stronger than ever before. You will see things more clearly. You will be able to run as swiftly as a deer. You will suddenly, and inexplicably, have the ability to speak and read Portugese. (Note: If you already speak Portugese, you have the right to request the ability to speak another language, such as Farsi or Canadian, but be advised that these sorts of requests are rarely granted.)
Q: Is this an ongoing position?
A: That depends on your ability to continue writing quality stories. But we will have no qualms with turning down future submissions and crushing your dreams.
Q: How often can I submit?
A: Submit as often as you like, but be advised that we try and publish three stories per week. That means you probably won’t get more than one story per week. But if you produce incredible content, that can change.
Q: What is the area, in square feet, of a circle that is 27ft 6in in diameter?
Q: How important is SEO optimization in the stories I write?
A: SEO optimization is important for any site that is pushing for traffic, but the single most important aspect of any story you submit to BWN is that it has to be funny. Our most popular stories have had very little to do with SEO and more to do with funny headlines and absurdity.
Q: What is the single most important aspect of any story that I submit to BWN?
A: Are you fucking kidding us? Didn’t you read the last answer? It’s seriously like three inches above this sentence. Okay, fine, we’ll go over it again.
Come up with a funny headline. The funnier the headline the better. An incredible headline can almost write the story itself. Irony is great, but not just to show how clever you are. Make it funny.
Other things to remember: Great quotes that begin like stock newspaper quotes but become ridiculous can carry a story. Don’t focus too heavily on pop culture or current events. If you want your story to have staying power, make it “evergreen.”