NEW YORK CITY–Marge Burns, a spokesman for Planned Parenthood, announced today the abortion specialists will be ceasing operations as it appears almost a certainty that Congress will vote to cease federal funding of the program.  But Burns assured women across the country that there is still time to get that abortion they’ve always dreamed of.

“If you’ve been on the fence about getting an abortion, we’re going to make the decision an easy one,” Burns said, “We’re slashing prices so much, you’ll be begging us to slash up your fetus too.”

Burns said the reproductive health provider will be offering abortions for up to 75% off the regular price as part of its huge going-out-of-business abortion blowout spectacular.

“And if you’re having twins, we’ll abort the second one for free,” she added, “Even if you’re not pregnant right now, you’re gonna want to get yourself knocked up just to take advantage of these incredible savings.”