Elf on a Shelf Embedded with ISIS Files Scathing Report

Willie has had a hard time dealing with the experience

NORTH POLE–Nervous and withdrawn, Willie, an Elf on a Shelf who was assigned to watch and report on the behavior of several Islamic State fighters in Mosul, Iraq prior to the finalization of Santa Claus’ Naughty or Nice list, is slowly transitioning back to daily life at the North Pole.

He had asked for the assignment.  Six months monitoring the young radicals, trying to determine if they are worthy to receive the presents on their lists.  The answer to that, according to Willie’s final report?  A resounding no.

“Are they naughty?” Willie asks, “I don’t know, is cutting someone’s fucking head off with a goddamn pocket knife naughty?”

Willie shudders at the memories.  He has only recently been able to sleep through the night.  He is easily startled.  He starts to relate a story about one night when a group of ISIS soldiers happened upon two young girls, but suddenly bursts into tears.  The tale goes untold, but the ending is clear.

“We try not to have any preconceived notions about somebody,” Willie says later, “We don’t watch the news.  Our belief is that you have to see something with your own eyes to pass judgement.  But the things I’ve seen.  Sometimes I want to claw my own eyes out.”

Willie says there are two other Elves on Shelves that were embedded with other ISIS forces, but they have yet to return.  He fears the worst.

“I don’t think the question is whether or not ISIS is naughty,” Willie says, “The question is how naughty a person, or even a group of people, is capable of being.”

“After I filed my report,” Willie adds, “I showed it to Leonard.  Leonard has been doing this for 40 years.  He was Jeffery Dahmer’s Elf on a Shelf.  He’s seen some really bad shit.  After he read the report, Leonard wept.”

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