Dog Facing Nine First Degree Murder Charges in Death of Cat

The key to Duane’s defense will be his big sad eyes

MINNETONKA, WI–Supporters of Duane, a two year-old Pug, were devastated to learn earlier today that the dog would be charged with nine counts of first degree murder in the death of Fluffy, an Egyptian mix who lived two doors down from Duane and his family.  Several witnesses to the incident that led to Fluffy’s death have told police that the unfortunate killing appeared to be accidental.

“Duane and Fluffy knew each other well,” says Keith Ford, Duane’s owner, “They hung out together all the time.  I never knew the two to be anything other than friends.”

According to witnesses, Ford included, Duane was minding his own business earlier this month when an apparently intoxicated Fluffy approached, with trouble obviously on his mind.

“Fluffy had been struggling with a crippling catnip addiction,” says ten-year old Kayla Smith, a neighbor from down the street, “A couple of months ago, things turned sour between he and Duane, apparently after Duane had staged an intervention.  You know how it can be with junkies.  After that, Fluffy accused Duane of being a narc.  After that, any time he saw Duane he would puff up his tail and hiss at the guy.  It was really sad.  Fucking junkies, yo.”

Everything came to a head last month when Duane was walking past Fluffy’s home, on his way back from visiting the residents at a nearby retirement center.

“Duane was just minding his own business,” recalls Smith, “Then out of nowhere, Fluffy pounced on him.  Of course Duane is going to react.  Wouldn’t you?  A fucking street junkie jumps you from behind?  Who wouldn’t defend himself?”

Eyewitness accounts describe Duane as responding to the attack with a single bite.  But one bite was all it took to extinguish the life of the troubled Fluffy.

“It was quick,” says Ford, “I honestly don’t believe that Duane knew what had hit him.  It was pure instinct.  If he had known it was Fluffy, I have no doubt he wouldn’t have responded that way.  It was purely accidental.”

The district attorney doesn’t see it that way.  Citing a history of behavior that includes chewing up several neighbor’s newspapers and repeated public defecation, the DA charged Duane with murder in all nine of Fluffy’s lives, a fact that doesn’t sit will with Ford.

“How can anyone say that Fluffy hadn’t used up eight of his lives already?” Ford asks, “He was strung out worse than Lamar Odom.  And he initiated the whole thing.  I really believe that if Duane were a cat, no charges would be filed.”

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