And would it kill you to use some emoticons now and then?

SEATTLE–A National Security Agency analyst has dispatched a field team in a coordinated effort with the Seattle Police Department to the home of software engineer Peter Brinkman.  Several electronic communications received by Brinkman have been intercepted by the NSA over the past several weeks, drawing the interest of analyst Dr. Lane Perry.

“There were several red flags,” Perry says, “Some mentions of Obama, although largely supportive.  This is Seattle, so no surprise there.  But things started to get darker, and the word terrorize came up.  Only after reading further did I realize that the implication was that Mr. Brinkman was terrorizing this poor woman’s heart.”

The emails, all originating from a woman named Connie, paint a picture of a once happy relationship between Brinkman and the woman, which continued until suddenly and inexplicably Brinkman stopped returning her calls or texts.

“I think one of the most important things to consider when your job is to keep the country safe, is what role you can play in helping people find happiness,” Perry explains, “A happy citizenry is a peaceful citizenry.  Connie obviously isn’t happy.  But, the flip side of that coin is, Pete isn’t happy either.  Otherwise he would have called.  We’re just here to see what the NSA can do to help these two kids work this thing out together.”

Perry says the field operation comes on the heels of a two-week intelligence gathering operation that has included wire taps on Brinkman’s phone services and the deployment of drones to trace his every move.

“The good news for Connie is that Petey hasn’t been seeing anyone else,” Perry says, “And going through his financial statements, I haven’t found evidence that he has gotten involved in any new business endeavors, or taken on any expensive hobbies.  It’s really kind of a mystery.  I just can’t figure out why he won’t give Connie a call.”

It’s a question that will soon be answered as NSA agents and Seattle SWAT converge on Brinkman’s quiet, suburban home.

“We know he’s home,” Perry says, “He doesn’t own a gun, at least one that’s registered.  If he has an illegal gun?  Well, he may end up paying a hefty price if he decides to draw on federal agents.  That’ll be a lesson:  register your weapons so the NSA knows what we’re up against.  And call your fucking girlfriend, you creep.”