God’s curse also included hanging out with Will Smith and Matt Damon

HOLLYWOOD—Steve Irwin, better known to American television audiences as The Crocodile Hunter, made a surprise appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night, nearly seven years after his death. Irwin, who, as The Crocodile Hunter, was a conservationist and “wildlife expert” and frequently came into extremely close contact with deadly creatures, surprised host Jay Leno and the studio audience near the end of the show when he emerged from behind a curtain wearing his signature khaki work shirt and shorts.

At first Leno appeared too frightened to engage the gregarious former Animal Planet star, who was tragically killed while fucking with a stingray at Batt Reef, Queensland on September 4, 2006. Soon, however, the enthusiastic Irwin had both Leno and the audience at ease as he explained how he had come back to life.

“God has told me over and over, in no uncertain terms, ‘Don’t fuck with the animals’,” Irwin said, “No matter how cute they are, no matter how much I want to hold them. He couldn’t believe I hadn’t learned my lesson straight away, after having that stingray barb plunged into my chest, but believe me, I hadn’t.”

Irwin said God had not planned for him to die while swimming with such an innocuous creature, but instead, had meant for a vicious pack of wild dingoes to tear him screaming limb from limb, as a sort of cautionary tale for young people thinking about following in a similar career path.

“He just felt the stingray was such a harmless-looking bugger, any message was probably lost,” Irwin explained, “and he was pretty unhappy that I had mucked up his plan, so he basically damned me back to earth to live on this hellhole until I get really old and incontinent. Believe me, it’s a major bummer, after hanging out in heaven for a couple of years. Especially since playing with wild animals is a big no-no this time around.”

Irwin said God told him not to even handle squirrels or rabbits, for fear that he may get bitten and develop rabies, landing him in the exact same predicament as before. He said God had distributed his picture to a number of zoos, warning them not to allow him on the premises.

“In some ways,” Irwin says, “It’s almost like He’s daring me to get back into the fucking with animals game. I mean, doing absolutely shockingly stupid and irresponsible things to wild and deadly animals is really the only thing I’ve ever been good at. I reckon I’ve learned my lesson, though. That stingray barb hurt to high heaven. Maybe I really am cursed to live to a ripe old age.”