Leading Theologian Believes Jesus Only Loves One In Five Americans

That’s this many

SEWANEE,TN–The Rev. Dr. Christopher Ryan, Professor of the New Testament at Sewanee University, has made a startling discovery regarding our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

“Throughout my career, I’ve read literally thousands of texts, including personal accounts of peoples’ interactions with Jesus,” Ryan says, “And I’ve come to realize that He only truly loves about one in five people here in America.”

The jaw-dropping announcement has shattered the theological world, even more so when Rev. Dr. Ryan shared his belief of who those lucky 20% include.

“It’s the atheists, the agnostics, the sinners and prostitutes,” Ryan said, “Basically anyone with a liberal agenda can safely know that upon death their eternal paradise awaits.”

But how could our most gracious and loving heavenly father turn His back on those of us who have worshipped Him unconditionally and look lovingly upon those who choose to deny him? The Rev. Dr. Ryan’s answer might surprise you.

“It’s basically the old adage about wanting most the things you can’t have,” Ryan explains, “Not unlike the guy at the bar who continues to buy the smoking hot chick tequila shots, even after she continues to ignore him. He just can’t take the rejection. She doesn’t even care if he drove up in the Nissan 300 Z, she won’t give him the time of day and he can’t stand it. He has to have her, and it’s the same way with Jesus.”

The Rev. Dr. Ryan also made the analogy of the straight-laced hottie who’s only into “bad boys”. He refers to the three denials of Jesus by the apostle Peter, which he believes sparked the King of Kings’s life-long obsession with those He cannot have.

“Look, nobody can argue that Christ has some issues,” Ryan says, “And who wouldn’t, with all that he’s been through? The way I see it, this is just a phase he’s going through. I don’t know about you, but my plan is just to wait this out and hope He sees what’s been right in front of Him this whole time.”

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