Customers leave this life with full bellies and broken dreams

LAS VEGAS—A popular Las Vegas hamburger joint that caters to suicidal customers who want a tasty last meal is expanding its menu by offering the Quintuple Bypass burger, a new 15,000 calorie sandwich that comes with a side order of Lucky Strike cigarettes and is topped off by a manager leading the customer into the alleyway behind the restaurant and firing a single shot from a .357 into the back of his head.

“Our pathetic, self-loathing customers have complained that the manner of death we provide hasn’t been quick enough,” says founder Dr. Jon, “We’ve only had a handful of fatalities since we opened, which has led to frustration in many cases. The new menu is our way of saying thank you to our customers, by expediting the sweet release of death.”

The hospital themed restaurant has become a favorite to tourists and locals alike, many of whom are gambling addicts who are searching for ways to ease the pain and depression that comes with squandering their life savings. Dr. Jon says the new sandwich is seen by many as one final challenge in a life marked by disappointment and tragedy.

“Customers who are able to finish the sandwich know they can leave this world with some small measure of pride,” he says, “To go out on a note of accomplishment can give meaning to a life that has largely been marked by failure.”

After having so few actual deaths in the years before the latest menu item, Dr. Jon says now the bodies are literally piling up, both inside the restaurant and outside in the alley. With the economy in shambles and so little for most people to feel good about, he says there has never been a better time to be in the hamburger and murder business.

“Our customers have always been the losers and degenerates in society,” he says, “Right now, the majority of Americans fall into that category. We’re not seeing a recession at The Heart Attack Grill, that’s for sure.”