Parker is behind the other soldiers in the fetal position

MOUNT PLEASANT, MO—John Parker was a 20 year old Staff Sergeant in the US Army in 1969, having cowered during many of the bloodiest battles of the Vietnam War. Now, 44 years later, he’s finally getting the recognition for his battlefield incompetence that the men who served with him have long felt he deserved. This month, the army will issue Parker with a dishonorable discharge, retroactive to 1969. According to the men from his former platoon, the recognition is long overdue.

“I think the very first time he heard gunfire, he literally shit his pants,” says Ross Townsend, who served a one year tour of duty with Parker, “He actually cried at the sound of thunder. And we were in a fucking rain forest.”

Parker will be forced to repay 44 years worth of veteran’s benefits he’s received since an oversight resulted in his being honorably discharged after three ineffective tours during the war. Parker’s time of service was marked with such an incredible lack of bravery that his exploits have become legendary. Veterans still meet to discuss the amazing scope of Parker’s ability to fuck up even the most mundane tasks.

“I remember once he was picked to drive a staff officer from one end of camp to the other,” says Townsend, “and he ran over three enlisted men, killing one and crippling two for life. Gomer Pyle looked like Audie Murphy next to this moron.”

Townsend says at the ceremony marking the unique occasion, Parker will be asked to keep his damn mouth shut and just take his medicine, as his ability to fuck up any situation by talking or whimpering seemed to be the one thing he excelled at during the war.

“It may be a long time coming,” Townsend says, “But it’s nice to know that after all these years the government is willing to recognize the sacrifices its soldiers made during such a senseless war.”