Chris Brown Admits He’ll Probably End Up Killing Rihanna

Chris Brown and Rihanna count up how many times she’s been legally declared dead

HOLLYWOOD—After news broke that his on-again, off-again relationship with pop singer Rihanna was off again, R&B singer Chris Brown finally admitted what music fans have suspected all along. Their relationship won’t truly be over until he murders the sexy songstress in a fit of jealous rage.

“I bet I end up killing her, pretty much even money,” says Brown, “I just love her so much, sometimes I want to strangle her. Smart money says I will do just that.”

The singer, whose hits include “Choking Bitches” and the teasing “Black-Eyed Girl”, says right now he’s focusing the rage he feels when thinking of Rihanna having steamy sex with other men on small defenseless animals like cats and baby ducks, but believes it won’t be long before he is no longer unable to reign in his violent passion.

“Only so many kittens can serve as her proxy before I need the real thing,” Brown says, “I get to the point where I really can no longer contain myself. I’ll be calling her up real soon.”

For her part, Rihanna says she still loves Brown, but needs time away from their volatile relationship to rebuild her shattered psyche. Still, she says she realizes her general sense of self-loathing will ultimately drive her back into his arms, which she agrees will probably result in her death.

“Yeah, he’s definitely gonna kill me,” she says, “Anyone with an ounce of sense can see that. The things we’re willing to do for true love, right?”

While unwilling to issue a timetable for when the murder will take place, Brown says that he wants to begin the reconciliation process fairly soon, so the two can enjoy whatever time they have left together.

“Our relationship has definitely been a rollercoaster ride,” Brown says, “But the irony is, in the end, my highest high will come when she’s at her lowest point. Love sure is strange.”

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