Not you

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Sources close to former president Bill Clinton confirmed today that the statesman is growing increasingly excited at the prospect of getting head from an actual sitting United States President.  It was not immediately clear if Clinton was hoping for a victory for his wife, Hillary, who recently made formal her intentions to run for the Democratic nomination, or if he has his eyes on former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina, the lone female Republican hopeful.

“It would be hard to bet on Hillary,” said one source, “Bill hasn’t shown a lot of sexual interest in her over the years.  But with his depraved sexual fetishes, you also can’t count her out.  President Hillary Clinton might be just the thing to focus that depravity back on his wife.”

The source also noted that Bill Clinton hasn’t been this excited about politics since Sarah Palin was announced as the vice-presidential candidate in Sen. John McCain’s failed 2008 presidential campaign.  At the time, Clinton had privately shared with his inner circle his desire to receive a blow-job from a vice-president who wasn’t serving under him.

“I would say the front-runner in Bill’s mind right now is Fiorina,” the source added, “Although Rand Paul is a name that wouldn’t surprise me.  But if Mike Huckabee somehow ends up in the Oval Office, Bill will think he’s died and gone to heaven.”