AUSTIN, Texas–Governor Greg Abbott has responded to growing concerns from residents all across the state who believe the Perseids Meteor Shower to be a carefully orchestrated ruse that the Obama administration plans to use to steal their guns, abort their babies, smuggle disease-ridden brown people across their borders, marry their gays, and educate their children. Abbott today ordered Maj. General Joyce Stevens to direct the Texas Army National Guard to closely monitor all activities the annual meteor shower engages in and report any suspicious activity directly to his office.
“If you try to give a Texan a donkey and tell him its a horse, well, a Texan is gonna get suspicious,” Abbott said, “We’re gonna ask questions. What if those comets are really laser beams? Or some lightening caused by Obama’s heathen Muslim overlords? Not that I personally believe any of that is true, or that there are bigfoots, but I wouldn’t be doing my duty as governor if I didn’t at least keep an eye on it.”
The new orders are reportedly putting added strain on the Texas Army National Guard, which already has its hands full providing security for weekly Muhammad cartoon contests, investigating chupacabra sightings and training with action superstar Chuck Norris. But Abbott has promised that a force of Texans will be strong enough to turn back any invasion, real or imagined.
“Even if nothing happens, we’ll be ready to turn it back,” he said, “As a matter of fact, we’re training as if we truly believe it will happen, as we always do. We’re taking this threat so seriously that we’ve already changed the Texas history books to reflect the victory we’re gonna have.”