Pretend boob grabbing is also off limits

NEW YORK CITY–National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell sent a strong message today to coaches and players across the league when he announced the institution of a zero-tolerance policy for crimes that involve violence against perky blonde Fox Sports sideline reporter Erin Andrews.

“40 percent of NFL fans are female,” Goodell said, “Which means that 60 percent are men who harbor a deeply intense lust for and most likely a fantasy sexual relationship with Erin.  As you know, the NFL is all about the fans.”

Goodell went on to estimate that of the NFL’s female fan base, likely two-thirds also find themselves attracted to Andrews, whether they self-identify as heterosexual, lesbian, bisexual or just curious.  The announcement comes on the heels of recent headlines involving professional and collegiate athletes who have been accused of violence against women.

The new policy has drawn praise from several anti-violence groups and fans of the ravishing Andrews, while some women’s rights groups have questioned whether the message is strong enough.  According to Goodell, the punishment for violence against Erin Andrews is an immediate year-long suspension from the league.  Subsequent offenses will result in a lifetime ban from the NFL.

  Players will be fined $25,000 just for saying “I’d hit that” about Andrews

“It seems to me that the NFL and Mr. Goodell are sending a mixed message,” said Sharon Thurman of the National Institute for Women, “If you beat up your wife you get suspended for a couple of games.  NFL players get treated worse if they kill a dog than if they commit violence against a woman.  Unless that woman is Erin Andrews.”

Goodell says he understands Thurman’s concerns, but defends the move by the NFL.

“Any time you institute a policy like this the prevailing thought is, ‘if it protects one person’s safety then it was worth it’,” Goodell said, “This new rule is designed specifically to do just that.  We have even pinpointed the precise person to protect.  How can anyone be against that?”