WASHINGTON, D.C.–The United States Supreme Court ruled today 5-4 that size does not matter in any way in matters pertaining to human physiology.
“It’s not the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, “That’s been, not only my personal belief, but a belief shared by our forefathers when they built this great nation. And now it’s the law.”
Critics of the decision cite the fact that the ruling doesn’t extend to matters involving houses, firearms or four-wheel drive pick-up trucks, all of which have long fallen under the archaic “bigger is better” laws.
“This ruling only serves to further muddy an already confusing issue,” said political analyst Drew Tucker, “What if a midget wants to play in the NBA? Would it be against the law for a team to deny him a shot?”
The ruling is expected to be a key factor in the upcoming presidential election, as observers believe supporters of the ruling will strongly oppose a possible Hillary Clinton presidency out of fear any Supreme Court appointee she might make could overturn the controversial ruling.
“But that’s not a slam-dunk,” said Tucker, “This is one issue in which she and her husband strongly disagree.”
On the other hand, most, if not all, the GOP presidential candidates are long supporters of “size doesn’t matter,” and whoever ultimately wins the nomination is expected to make preserving the ruling with a like-minded Supreme Court a top priority.
“I think we all understand that opponents of this ruling are morons and idiots,” explained GOP frontrunner Donald Trump, “Does size matter in automobiles or bank accounts? Of course it does. But the other? Come on, arguing against the ruling just makes you look like you’re not smart, and I think you know that.”