WASHINGTON, D.C.–United States Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack addressed rumors today that the USDA was conducting studies into the viability of using aborted fetuses as a primary ingredient in a number of dishes served in school lunches across the nation.  Vilsack had commented earlier in the week that aborted fetuses meet or exceed every nutrition standard set forth in the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act.

“Fetuses are so rich in nutritional value, it would be wasteful just to dispose of them,” Vilsack said, “I understand why some people oppose their use in medical research, but that shouldn’t stop us from feeding them to our children.  Plus, they’re surprisingly delicious.”

Vilsack said the addition of aborted fetuses to school lunches could yield a savings of nearly a trillion dollars over the next ten years.  He also noted that it might remove some of the stigma attached to those children who have been aborted.

“Even those of us who aren’t deemed worthy of becoming members of our great society can contribute something,” he said, “We’re all in this together.”

“In America, you can make a difference, even if you never get to be born,” Vilsack added.

First Lady Michelle Obama, a longtime proponent of revised school meal nutrition standards, has assumed a lead role in the Children Feeding Children program, and said she is confident the USDA will move forward to using aborted fetuses in school meals.

“Those who know me know I love kids,” the First Lady said, “And now that I’ve tasted them, I can honestly say I love aborted children as much as live ones.  No longer will we scold our children for playing with their food, because that food could very easily have been one of their classmates.”