WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Joe Biden briefed media today on his upcoming schedule, the status of several projects his office is working on, and his mastery of a deadly effective karate move that is virtually impossible to defend.

“We’ll be in Omaha on Wednesday and Boise the following day,” Biden said, “And I’m going to request a lighter-than usual Secret Service detail, as I am now a registered deadly weapon.”

Biden said he has nearly cemented an agreement with Senate Republicans that will provide funding for a wide-ranging public education initiative and has become as one with the darkness and impervious to pain, heat or cold.

“We’ve also made an energy trade agreement with Canada that will prove beneficial for both our countries,” Biden added, “And I have earned the title of sensei and have conditioned myself to be able to survive on a single breath of air fully submerged in water for nearly twenty minutes.”

Biden also promised to continue to push for more stringent background checks for consumers who purchase firearms and to personally protect any person who encounters violence in his presence.

“It is every American’s right to feel safe in their own community,” Biden said, “Which is why I have spent countless hours mastering the art of jujitsu and karate, and the ability to perform the flying tiger crane move, which is so kick-ass it’s considered virtually impossible to perform correctly.”