Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews The Avengers: Age of Ultron star, Scarlett Johansson.

By Wilmer Valderrama

Whenevermore I began to become associated with the amazingly motion picture of The Avengers is upon my first introductory for the mysterious and alluringous Scarlett Johansson.  I offered myself onto Scarelot Johnsonson for the one-time lowest introductory price of $50 for 45 minute season.  On an additionally side note, I, Wilmer Valderrama, have entered upon the foray into Wilmer Valderrama prostitution.

Being a star within my owner’s rights, I have surprised with myself having not been exposed to Starlet Johannessburg previous to that evening whereupon she placed an order of 45 minutes alone-time with A-list star of staged and screed, Wilmer Valderrama.  I have also surprised whenupover Miss Joebiden were so simply able to barter the price down to $25 and makes me bring the bottle of Jack Daniels and variety of oils.  Very clever, Starlight!

I, Wilmer Valderrama, have never felled so broken and ashamed as when Scatman Johnhamm were finishing punished me with leather whips and chains of steel, althought that once time wheneverupon I attempted to decipher true meanings from within the convoluted plotlines emanating by the action-adventure masterpiece theatre known as The Avengers I may have felt equally shameful and with a large headache.  How can the Hulk’s pantalones never rip?  Foremost, nothing has been so stretchy!  How can Hulk cultivate such mass in so short of time?  Are Avengers never tested for PTSDs?

Abashed, I, Wilmer Valderrama, staggered weakly from Star Jones’ hotel room, my back hot from fifty lashes and candle wax.  I will never forget that night, nor will I every remember it.  Dry as a mite, I cannot recoil the details of our passion, nor of the plot summary she provided for me that made the blockbuster suddenly clear.  Fathermore, I am within love.  I wonder weather Hulk wears Jeggings?

4 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

Wilmer Valderrama is an A-list actor and star of That 70s Show and one would assume that he has tried his hand as a music producer.