WASHINGTON, D.C.–Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation’s capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters. The […]
SPRINGFIELD, MO—In just over a month, local pig farmer Dan Hankins will load this season’s yearlings into a trailer and transport them to the slaughterhouse. Fattening pigs, as they are […]
Living proof BOSTON, Massachusetts–Legendary children’s entertainer Frosty “The Snowman” Goldstein testified before congress today on the subject of climate change. The former actor, who gained fame in the 1960s with […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The U.S. Senate narrowly passed a bill to change the pronunciation of the letter W. Traditionally pronounced ‘double-you’, the new pronunciation, should the president sign the bill into law, […]
Confucius says, ‘Never leave a donut untouched’ HOLLYWOOD–When film critic Peter Falconer met action star Steven Seagal at the popular Los Angeles eatery, Ernesto’s, he was nervous that the actor […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Senator John McCain (R-AZ), the chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, announced today the formation of a subcommittee to investigate the various plot-holes, coincidences and lack of originality […]
HADES, Nebraska–Calling it an “incredible find,” Satan today described the elation he felt when he first inspected his latest acquisition, the soul of Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “Absolutely mint condition,” […]
HERSHEY, Pennsylvania–Just in time for Halloween, Hershey Corp., a division of ACME Corp., has announced it will be bringing back its classic chocolate-covered razorblade candies for a limited time. The delicious, […]
NEW YORK CITY–New York Jets Head Coach Todd Bowles told reporters today the team’s terrible quarterback, Geno Smith, has been cleared to return to the team after rehabilitating a broken […]
ST. LAWRENCE ISLAND, Alaska–David Carnak, a Yupik tribesman who has lived his entire life in this Arctic village, reported today that while he is concerned by the potential long-term environmental […]
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