HADES, Nebraska–Calling it an “incredible find,” Satan today described the elation he felt when he first inspected his latest acquisition, the soul of Texas Senator Ted Cruz.
“Absolutely mint condition,” the Prince of Darkness gushed, “I knew it hadn’t seen much use, but I never dreamed it had never even been taken out of the box. I don’t think he knew what he had there.”
The Dark Lord of the Underworld said he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make the deal with the Republican presidential hopeful.
“Not at the price he was asking,” he said, “If I weren’t the source of all the evil in the universe, I would actually feel a little guilty.”
The Fallen Angel said he’s not sure what he’s going to do with the soul, now that the transaction is complete. For the time being, he said he plans to just enjoy himself and field offers.
“I just give all the glory to God,” he said, “He’s the one that made all this possible. It’s times like this that remind me why I got into this career in the first place. I’m a lucky devil.”