Scientist: Mankind Beginning to Devolve Back into Apes

This man’s DNA is identical to that of a lowland gorilla

ROCKPORT, New Hampshire–Dr. Sam Payne, a professor of biology at the New Hampshire Institute of Technology, has published a paper that he says offers hard scientific data to support his longstanding assertion that the human race is quickly devolving back into its ape-like ancestors.

“The first data I gathered was largely anecdotal,” Dr. Payne explains, “I started exploring this possibility that we, by and large, were devolving when I heard a country song called “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” on the radio and discovered that it was a huge hit.”

The mystery of why such a primitive sounding song could gain widespread appeal roused Payne’s curiosity.

“I began finding more and more evidence throughout our popular culture to support this idea,” Payne continues, “Some of our most prominent news providers–Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity, for example–display intellectual capacity below your average chimpanzee.  Then I discovered a television program called America’s Got Talent.”

This discovery prompted Dr. Payne to conduct DNA testing on a number of well-known people who display ape-like characteristics, such as NFL personality Doug Flutie and comedian Louis CK, and the results were startling.

“Flutie has the exact DNA of a lowland gorilla,” Payne says, “He could basically be Caesar from Planet of the Apes.  Louis CK could pass for an orangutan right now.”

Payne also cites pop star Miley Cyrus, who he describes as being “no smarter than your average capuchin monkey.”  Dr. Payne’s paper will be published in next month’s issue of Science Today.

3 responses to “Scientist: Mankind Beginning to Devolve Back into Apes

  1. That is an amazingly stupid scientist if he says we are devolving “back” into ape-like ancestors. We are apes now. There are four great apes in this world: Gorillas, Orangutans, Chimpanzees, and Humans. The only folks who don’t get that basic fact are creationists.

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