Try to focus on the kitten
FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts–New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft reminded fans and media today of the proper procedures to take when encountering tight end Rob Gronkowski. Gronkowski berengei berengei, commonly known as The Gronk, has just begun his yearly post-season migration across the continent in search of females with whom to mate. The Gronk will return late in the summer just before training camp to begin the cycle anew.
“The most important thing to remember when encountering The Gronk, is that he is a wild creature,” Kraft said, “Although he may look cute and cuddly, he is untamed and unpredictable.”
Kraft said that The Gronk, while normally gentle and lovable, can become dangerously aggressive and combative when provoked.
“There are a number of behavioral signals one needs to be aware of when in the presence of The Gronk,” Kraft said, “The Gronk will show aggression through progressively quickening vocalized hoots, leg kicks, open-palmed chest thumps and by violently spiking objects straight down into the ground.”
Kraft said it is vital for someone who comes into contact with an aggressive Gronk to lower their heads and look away, then slowly back up to a safe distance. He added that it is important to remember to never make eye contact with The Gronk, as the All-Pro may take that as a sign of submission.
“The same is true of baring your teeth,” Kraft said, “A simple smile could be easily misinterpreted as an invitation to mate.”