Coal Barons Admit They “Were Only Foolin’”


By Victor Miller

BWN Special Correspondent

TAILHOOK, Indiana–Marty and Blair Aghastique, world’s richest purveyors of anthracite—admitted king makers, secret Presidential manipulators and owners of governments from Washington to Canberra, held an unprecedented press conference in one of their 24 palatial residences, this one in Tailhook, Indiana.

“We were only foolin’” the 75 year old billionaires said in chorus before 76 members of the Nation’s Elite Press corps and assorted sycophants.

Edwin Stunton of Broken World News asked them “Why?”

Marty, the possessor of one of the least revealing faces in all the world, tried a smile which could be heard in the quiet press room. “The world economy is reminiscent of Mt. Everest,” he intoned. “Both are immense, intractable, unforgiving and just plain ‘there’. My brother and I were the Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing of this immense mountain of cash.”

“Which one of you was Sir Edmund?” Stunton inquired.

“I was!” they replied at the exact same moment. They looked at each other and laughed a high-pitched guffaw.

Marty stepped forward and, in a whisper into the microphone, said, “Having it all. We have it all. We have ours, we have yours and we have the fellow next to you’s. We have all the stuff of people we have never even met…nor do we wish to meet them.” His expression did not change as he added, “Do you have any idea the pressure we work under every day? Every thing we say, every choice we make can affect our net worth by infinite percentages.”

“You try living like that,” Blair chimed in. “It’s a killer.”

“We are really tired of having it all,” Marty added.

Stepton Ballack of the Des Moines Tonette inquired, “Does this mean you are giving away your fortune?”

“Of course not!” the brothers ejaculated. “We’re just here to admit that we always knew that burning coal was wrecking the planet but our insatiable greed and fear of loss and abandonment made it impossible for us to tell the truth.”

“There!” Blair said with finality. “I hope you’re satisfied. We were only fooling.”

The Aghastiques were escorted from the press conference by a phalanx of private security.

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