Living proof

BOSTON, Massachusetts–Legendary children’s entertainer Frosty “The Snowman” Goldstein testified before congress today on the subject of climate change.  The former actor, who gained fame in the 1960s with a series of Frosty the Snowman winter specials, has in recent years found renewed popularity with his conservative radio talk show, Frosty and the Snowjob, which airs weekdays on The Blaze radio.

“It used to be called global warming, then folks started calling it climate change, but I’m going to call it what it really is: horse hockey,” said Goldstein, “I embody the easiest argument against this fallacy of global warming.  If this climate change nonsense were anything other than quack science, I wouldn’t be here.”

Goldstein accused democrats in congress and the White House with perpetuating the myth of climate change in an effort to force the energy industry to pay the federal government billions of dollars in regulatory fines.

“The lefties want us to believe they are nothing but tree-huggers when the reality is they are perpetrating a simple shakedown,” he went on, “Hey, I love trees too.  Some good old hickory smoke will add a ton of flavor to a beef tenderloin.  But I like my gas grill too.  I should be able to afford to use both.”

Goldstein’s critics have pointed out that Koch Industries has long been one of his primary sponsors, even providing him with his two eyes made out of coal.  Those same critics have accused the shock-jock of being a corporate shill, a charge he flatly denies.

“I’m just speaking my mind, and it’s not even an opinion.  Climate change is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated against mankind,” Goldstein said, “Sure, the climate will change.  It’s called the seasons.  The fact that I’m standing here before you should be proof enough.  If this nonsense were true, I’d be nothing but an old silk hat, a corncob pipe and a button nose.”