NORMAN, Oklahoma–Researchers at the University of Oklahoma announced today they have successfully developed an intense therapeutic regimen designed to free patients from the filthy homosexual lifestyle. The study–funded by a statewide half-penny income tax increase–has not uncovered a “gay cure” as previously reported, but is more accurately described as a “transference” by Professor Randy Paulson, who headed the research.
“The therapy is sort of like a cleansing,” said Paulson, “When one takes a shower, the filth doesn’t just magically disappear. It washes down the drain and ends up on something else. In the case of this therapy, after the gay is washed off of our good, Christian patients, it will end up on a Muslim.”
Exactly how homosexuality is transferred from Christian to Muslim isn’t clear, although Paulson said the most popular theory is fairly simple.
“God loves Christians,” he said, “And He hates terrorists. And he’s not a big fan of gays, obviously.”
While the controversial gay transfer therapy hasn’t been approved by the FDA, Oklahoma lawmakers have already passed legislation allowing its use on the state’s homosexual Christian residents.
“Oklahoma isn’t just God-fearing,” said Governor Mary Fallin, “We’re also gay fearing, terrorist Muslim fearing, book fearing and clean energy fearing. Basically we fear anything we don’t understand.”
“If this therapy can turn all the Muslims gay, they probably won’t feel too comfortable living in our great state,” she added, “We’ll be able to conquer two of our fears with one stone. Oklahoma will be recognized as the leader in getting rid of gays and Muslims.”