Average Texas IQ Jumps Two Points After Latest Round of Executions

AUSTIN, Texas–Governor Greg Abbott defended Texas’ policies regarding capital punishment, saying the state’s record number of executions actually highlights the progressive social attitudes of Texas residents.

“As Texans, we believe in equal opportunities for all,” Abbott said, “Whether that be in the classroom, the workplace or the execution chamber.  In Texas, if you earn something, we feel like you should be rewarded.  Even if that reward is death’s sweet embrace.”

Abbott called criticism of the recent executions of several mentally impaired Texans unfounded, even pointing out that after those death sentences were carried out, the average IQ in the state rose two points to 100.

“If you’re dumb enough to kill someone in Texas, you deserve to die,” Abbott added, “It don’t matter if you’re black, Mexican or retarded.  And it’s been proven that the more dumb folks we execute, the smarter we get overall.  That’s win/win in my book.”

Abbott said that despite the preponderance of “undesirables” in his state, Texas has a relatively low crime rate, and pointed to the policy of executing “anyone who needs killing” as the primary reason for that.  But he also admitted that it is never easy to take a life.

“I once had to sign the order to execute this boy who was so retarded he couldn’t even feed himself,” Abbott said, “But the prosecution proved he had murdered three people.  That’s the hard part of this job.  What makes it easier is knowing–as soon as the executioner pulls that switch–I get just a little bit smarter.”

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