He jogged right out of the ocean

November 4, 1969–45 years ago today Matthew McConaughey, Texas’ greatest hero and Hollywood legend, emerged fully formed from the waters of Corpus Christi Bay.  Scientists have spent the past five decades trying to determine the origins of the possible deity, who has been described as “chameleon-like” for his ability to transform into any number of muscle-bound, good-natured, hillbilly accented characters for the silver screen.

Also known as actor Josh Lucas, McConaughey has shown no physical changes during his 45 year career, which has included stints as a musician, athlete, novelist, physician, masseuse, cheerleader, farmer, politician and social critic.  McConaughey has been known to have intercourse with up to 30 different women during marathon sex sessions that can last up to six days.

McConaughey recently won critical acclaim for playing dual roles as himself and actor Woody Harrelson in the HBO series True Detective, which follows a murder investigation in which the world’s greatest actor and legendary Texan wages an internal battle between himself and his dark alter ego.  Witnesses have reported seeing McConaughey fell a massive oak with a single swift karate chop, only to replace it with a fully grown oak of comparable size.

The actor won an Academy Award for his role as the city of Dallas in the 2013 film Dallas Buyers Club, but many critics feel he was even more deserving for his uncredited role in the film, The Wolf of Wall Street, in which he convincingly portrayed the entire decade of the 1980s.

Director Christopher Nolan has described McConaughey as the “single greatest human being in the history of mankind” and added that the actor performed all his own stunts in the film Interstellar, which included several intensely physical water scenes as well as traveling millions of light years into deep space.  McConaughey has also been known to humanely and painlessly euthanize the homeless and mentally unsound in an effort to “better our species and strengthen the herd.”