Personalized apron included

BROOK CITY, Louisiana–David Canter thought he had a sure-fire legal case against Turnco Products.  But that was before he read the fine print.  The 35 year-old freelance editor purchased an ebola suit from the company with the express purpose of protecting himself from the dreaded disease, only to contract the deadly virus within minutes of donning the suit.

“That’s when I read the label,” Canter says, “It said ‘Made from 100% Ebola!’  I’m like, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

Canter admits he didn’t read the full product description before purchasing the $49 suit, but says that shouldn’t free Turnco from all culpability.

“There should be a disclaimer, at least,” Canter says, “Everyone is trying to protect themselves from this disease, and they’re shipping it out, via suit, through the mail.  It’s at the very least wildly irresponsible.”

The ebola epidemic has claimed over two American lives and is expected to kill over 300 million.  People who contract the disease will slowly dissolve over a course of 30 excruciating days before exploding in a bloody spray, which is how the disease spreads.

“I suppose it’s a learning event,” Canter says, “But, unfortunately, I won’t be around to use the knowledge.  So it goes.”