Nation’s Men Devastated After Justin Bieber Bench Presses 450 Pounds

Bieber after a recent professional boxing match

HOLLYWOOD, Florida–Grown men across the nation and around the world were shocked and inconsolable earlier this week when video emerged showing bad boy pop star Justin Bieber easily bench press 450 pounds ten times.  Social media erupted immediately as physically mature males questioned the authenticity of the video, in which the 20 year old Bieber is seen cavorting with two voluptuous bikini models before lying on the bench and busting out ten hard reps without so much as breaking a sweat.

Since it began making the rounds several days ago, the video has been verified by a number of media watchdog groups as authentic.  It is the latest in a string of defeats against the nation’s collective masculinity, after footage earlier this year hit the internet that reportedly showed a naked Bieber sporting nine soft inches, effectively ruining any fantasies men had about Selena Gomez.

“Honestly I don’t know how to describe my present emotional state,” said Rodney Hix, a truck driver and married father of three, “The feelings of inadequacy are devastating.  I used to talk so much about wanting to smack (Bieber) in the mouth, but truthfully, it looks like he could kick the shit out of me.  And then he’d probably fuck my wife–and make her like it.”

Rumors of another video that shows Bieber performing a number of athletic feats, including dunking a basketball and throwing a 102 mph fastball, have begun making their rounds, which, if true, could send men around the world into a deep and prolonged depression.  Bieber’s camp released a statement regarding the video on Friday, which simply read, “Yeah, boyyy!”

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