He ran the last hundred yards

TORONTO, ONTARIO–Former Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel arrived here this morning, reportedly seeking amnesty to avoid being drafted into the National Football League.  Manziel, who won the Heisman Trophy, awarded annually to the most highly publicized collegiate quarterback, has cited his strong pacifist upbringing  as the catalyst for the surprising move.

Erik Burkhardt, Manziel’s agent, says he has attempted many times to convey to his client that the NFL Draft is completely different from the military draft, a system of conscription that was once used to supplement the United States armed forces in the event of a war.

“Johnny Manziel is a star athlete,” Burkhardt says, “He has been his entire life.  It’s common knowledge that star athletes have very little time to devote to schoolwork.  So he doesn’t have a strong grasp on general knowledge.  But we have time to get this all straightened out before the draft.”

The 2014 NFL Draft will be held at Radio City Music Hall in New York City on May 8-10.  Manziel has been projected by many analysts to he chosen early in the first round, perhaps with the first overall pick, which would be worth millions of dollars.

“Johnny doesn’t really understand metaphors or figurative language,” Burkhardt explains, “So when he sees video clips of NFL guys talk about ‘going to war’ or ‘fighting in the trenches’, he tends to take this stuff literally.”

Burkhardt says that Manziel has even discussed the possibility of converting to Islam, which he believes will make his decision more acceptable to his fans.

“He’s been trying to think of a cool-sounding Muslim name, but the best he’s come up with has been Muhammad Abdul Ali Jabbar Rothstein,” Burkhardt says, “He doesn’t really get religions either.  I guess we’re just lucky that smarts isn’t the kid’s strong suit, you know?  But, once I get him back in the U.S., some NFL team is gonna get themselves a hell of a quarterback.”