Free-range wiener dogs

PORTLAND, OR–An American dietary staple is about to change forever.  Representatives from the five major US hotdog manufacturers met here today to discuss the future of the hotdog industry, which has been under fire in recent years by organizations like PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, for the alleged inhumane conditions at several wiener dog ranches that provide meat for the tasty treats.  Shortly after the meeting adjourned, it was announced that the heads of all five manufacturers had agreed to phase out the use of actual dog meat in their products by early next year.

Tanner Brockett, a spokesman for the United Hotdog Association, claims the decision has less to do with the pressure of animal rights’ groups, and more to do with a dwindling supply of wiener dogs.

“First off, PETA has been flat-out wrong in their claims about the treatment of wiener dogs,” Brockett asserts, “Since 1997, all major US hotdog makers have been using 100% free range dogs for our meat.  These animals live happy lives before they are slaughtered.  The fact is, the American people eat hotdogs faster than these little guys can breed.  And that is the sole reason for this decision.”

Brockett says the hotdog industry faces an uncertain future, even as hotdog sales have been strong in recent years.  He would not confirm what meat product would replace wiener dog meat, but said several exciting developments were underway.

“We’ve looked at a number of different meat sources,” Brockett says, “But any hotdog lover will tell you that real dog meat is hard to beat.  It’s delicious, and the primary reason United Hotdog has been such a strong organization.  But our members will all tell you that we all expect to emerge from this transition even stronger.”

Willow Everest, a spokesman for PETA, calls the announcement a huge victory for animal rights’ activists across the world, and a major step towards repopulating the rapidly shrinking wiener dog population.

“Now we can focus on saving this majestic animal,” Everest says, “PETA has been incredibly worried about the fate of the standard wiener dog.  As you know, the giant wiener dog, which once boasted numbers in the tens of millions, is virtually extinct.  You can thank Oscar Mayer for that.  This is a huge victory for dog lovers.  Well, not so much hotdog lovers, I guess, but it’s still a victory.”