Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews Mean Girls and The Parent Trap star, Lindsay Lohan.

By Wilmer Valderrama

It was all those years ago where I first made steamy passionate lovemaking on Lindsay Lohan.  I met the first Miss Lohan as she were devouring copious piles of cocaine and methamphetamine.  She claimed it is sugar piles but I am not born under a turnip ship.

Miss Lohan and I were my first serious girlfriend.  She has tremendous bears.  They are tremendous bursts.  Beasts.  They are breasts.   Like honeysuckles.  Or melons.  Let’s move forward.

We and Lindsay dated for much longer.  She is the first girl who put her tongue on my bung hole.  It was such magic.  She is somewhat unclean.  Sometimes when I am recalling Lindsay it makes my face become red.  She did things that I dare not relate to you.

I am still in love with poor Miss Lohan despite all her tribulations.  There was many things she performed in sexual congress which earned her high marks.  I believe she has very small self esteem.  She should have earns a perfect score, but because of that times that she defecated on my chest, I have removed one Wilmer Valderrama.

3 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 Wilmer Valderrama is an A-list actor and star of That 70s Show and one would assume that he has tried his hand as a music producer.