And epic beards

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND–A new study funded by the World Health Organization has found that fatass children are at a more than three times higher risk of developing low self esteem than normal, more attractive children.

Dr. Otto Heimlich, who authored the report, says the data is unclear as to why the chubby little fuckers are so goddamned sensitive, but calls the ultimate findings conclusive.

“For whatever reason, being a lard ass gives a child a lower sense of self worth,” Heimlich says, “Which makes very little sense, as feeding the fat sacks of shit can cost a family twice what it would to feed thin, good-looking kids.”

Heimlich suggests that paying extra for husky jeans and adult sized t-shirts can make raising fat fuck children even more of a financial burden on families in an increasingly unstable world economy.

“What lardo kids don’t seem to realize is that families put much more of an investment in their upbringing than healthy, popular, athletic kids,” Heimlich explains, “So why little Jumbo or Jumbette would have low self esteem is, essentially, a mystery.”