ST. LAWRENCE ISLAND, Alaska–David Carnak, a Yupik tribesman who has lived his entire life in this Arctic village, reported today that while he is concerned by the potential long-term environmental harm posed by global warming, he is actually pretty grateful to see fewer and fewer polar bears these days.
“The oil companies will face their judgement in the eyes of God for the damage they’ve done to Mother Earth,” Carnak said, “But at least they’re wiping out the goddamned polar bears, so they can’t be all bad.”
Carnak said he lost all his grandparents, both his parents, six siblings, his wife and five children, his entire bowling league and a prized Cocker Spaniel to vicious, bloodthirsty polar bears.
“Is it sad to see such a powerful animal face extinction? Sure,” Carnak said, “The same way it was sad when Adolf Hitler died. Or when Jonas Salk discovered the polio vaccine. Yeah, those were totally sad occasions.”
Historically, nearly four out of five Eskimo people have died by being eaten by polar bears, a number that is down to three in five over the past decade.
“I’ve lived my entire life with the certainty that I would die in the jaws of the white demon,” Carnak explained, “Like my father, and his father before him. But it is looking like I may live long enough to die a natural death, by drowning when the sea levels rise and overtake me. Or possibly I could be eaten by a shark.”