New York City—National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that every member of the league is officially declaring his homosexuality. The news comes on the heels of increasing pressure by gay rights groups, who have long held that football is one of the most homo-erotic activities enjoyed by males of all ages.
“While most of our players self-identify as bi-curious, they have shown amazing solidarity in calling themselves gay in front of the entire world,” Goodell says, “There have long been rumors about all the things that go on at the bottom of piles of players. I think this announcement will clear the air on a lot of those rumors.”
While many NFL players are married with families, Goodell says that a majority of those unions are merely ruses to portray a heterosexual lifestyle to hardcore NFL fans, most of whom are closeted homosexuals themselves.
“Yes, I am married to a supermodel,” admits New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, “And yes, I do have sex with her. I think most gay men would. But she doesn’t take the place of the guys on my team, guys I sweat with, guys I bleed with, guys I shower with. I honestly don’t see how anyone could be surprised by this announcement.”
Goodell says a major reason for the announcement is the enormous pressure NFL players have faced after retirement. In recent years a number of former players have committed suicide after leaving the league, which some experts have attributed to damage caused by years of head trauma, a claim Goodell refutes. In his mind, the primary reason for the high suicide rate is that players have been pressured to go on living a lie regarding their sexual orientations.
“We’ve lost a lot of good men because they haven’t felt free to embrace their true homosexual nature,” Goodell says, “We had to make this announcement for the emotional well-being of all our players. I doubt Ray Lewis would live to see next year’s Super Bowl if we hadn’t told him it was finally okay to be himself. Hopefully, it will also keep younger players from feeling like they need to make up girlfriends from thin air, like the unfortunate Manti Te’o situation. Manti can truly feel at home in the new NFL.”
Goodell says that league officials believe that rather than alienate NFL fans, the announcement will allow them to come to grips with their own sexuality.
“Studies have shown that nearly 95% of NFL fans are repressed homosexuals,” he says, “This announcement will pave the way for them all to embrace their love of watching sweaty, muscular men engaged in heated gladiatorial combat without fear of embarrassment. Ground and pound, all the way!”