Followers hope he has maintained his sexual magnetism

WACO, TX—The remaining members of the Branch Davidian church that was led by David Koresh have been patiently awaiting the resurrection of Koresh, who was believed to be the second coming of Jesus H. Christ, for over 20 years. Privately, some of the church members are starting to get a little antsy.

“From God’s perspective, 20 years is a blink of an eye,” says Ron Hovell, church secretary, “But to me, it seems like a long time. I mean, we’ve seen the second coming of Jurassic Park in theaters, but still no Koresh. I hate to admit it, but this waiting around is starting to be a bit of a drag.”

The church, which teaches its members peace, love and advanced paramilitary tactics, has struggled to retain its membership in the years following Koresh’s martyrdom. The leader was killed when he accidentally poured gasoline over himself and 75 other church members inside the church compound while smoking a cigarette, according to followers.

“The government would have you believe that David was a crazy person,” says Hovell, “Which, truth be told, would account for a lot. But we true believers have stood firm that he was actually the embodiment of Christ, who, according to our interpretation of the Bible, believed firmly in a well-armed militia.”

Hovell says the remaining members of Koresh’s church, which number in the tens, have continued to live their lives in accordance with his teachings while awaiting his triumphant return to reclaim his kingdom. But with each passing day turning to weeks and into years, he admits that skepticism has started to creep in.

“There’s never been a better time to be David Koresh in America,” Hovell says, “Senators today would filibuster to preserve his right to amass ridiculous amounts of guns and ammunition. It seems like he would be itching to get back in the game, if he’s going to.”

“Nobody’s ready to say we bet on the wrong horse or anything,” Hovell goes on, “But at a certain point, this whole thing starts to feel like one of those waiting-on-the-mothership type of cults. It comes down to, do I want to be seen as a recovering crazy person or do I want to ride this thing out? We’re gonna ride it out a little while longer, but I sure wish he’d fucking get on with it.”