V.P. Biden Masters Kick-Ass Karate Move
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Joe Biden briefed media today on his upcoming schedule, the status of several projects his office is working on, and his mastery of a deadly effective karate […]
Linguists Scramble to Find Word to Describe Donald Trump
Pigot? Maybe BOSTON, Massachusetts—Dr. Henry Wadsworth, a linguistics professor at Boston College, is heading a team comprised of some of the world’s top linguists that is attempting to find the […]
Bootleggers Face Long Way to Go, Short Time to Get There
ATLANTA—Local good old boy lawbreakers Bo Darville and Cledus Snow are preparing to take on what some are calling an impossible task as they attempt to make a run to […]
Nation’s Flies Rally Against Proposed Fly Swatter-Control Bill
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation’s capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters. The […]
Chris Christie Announces Plan to Walk for President
PRINCETON, New Jersey–New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced today his intention to walk for the Republican presidential nomination in the 2016 election. Christie included in his announcement the stipulation that […]
The Invention of Sex
He immediately changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship” BY DOKTOR HANS LUFTPOST, PHD. It is an extremely little-known fact that our earliest ancestors were born completely ignorant of […]
Fucking Pussy Dies of Bird Flu
Newport, Rhode Island–Dave Mariucci, a 26 year-old software engineer, died Friday, only one day after being diagnosed with avian influenza, commonly known as bird flu. Sources close to Mariucci say […]
JUDGE CLEARS MAN IN JUSTIFIABLE ARSON HOMICIDE
Smearcase celebrates his freedom By Victor Miller BWN Special Correspondent Barnferrous, N.M.–“I did what any other sane American would have done in my place,” testified Arnold “Arnie” Smearcase when cross […]
Black Population Plummets After Right to Race Law Passes
Now I don’t have to close my eyes to imagine you’re Brad Pitt WASHINGTON, D.C.–Within hours of President Obama signing into law the controversial “Right to Race” bill, which grants […]
VP Biden Fails Third White House Piss Test
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Vice President Joe Biden was called in to the Oval Office today by President Obama, who demanded an explanation for why the V.P. had popped positive on a third […]
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