Man Unaware Wife Went to Bitch School
BOWMAN, Montana–Newly married Shane Dotson, 27, says he was surprised to learn that his wife, Misty, had kept secret certain elements of her academic background. Dotson, who graduated from Montana […]
Embarrassed Obama Unable to Correctly Recall Number of Americans He’s Had Killed
WASHINGTON, D.C.–President Barack Obama drew laughter today when he became embarrassed after forgetting the exact number of successful drone strikes he’s ordered against American citizens. “Thirty-one? Wait, no, thirty-two, I […]
ACME Corp. Issues Nationwide Recall of Bullshit Detectors
BELLVILLE, Illinois–ACME Corporation CEO Latran Ferrell announced today a nationwide recall on ACME Bullshit Detectors that will affect nearly 100 million customers. Ferrell said the recall will affect all BS […]
QB Guru Thinks Nonstop Masturbation to Blame for Tim Tebow’s Poor Throwing Motion
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania–After working with Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow for more than a year, quarterback coach Tom House believes he has finally identified the reason the Heisman Trophy-winning play caller […]
Former Aide Claims Trump Campaign a Wacky Scheme to Collect Inheritance from Rich Uncle
NEW YORK CITY–Tom Jennings, a former aide to Donald Trump, claims he was fired from the GOP presidential candidate’s campaign because he failed to lose enough money. But that’s not […]
Evidence Suggests Motorist Up Ahead Thinks He’s the Only One on the Goddamned Road
MIAMI, Florida–Evidence continues to mount that the driver of the vehicle just up ahead must think he’s the only motorist on the goddamned road, according to a source at the scene. […]
Surgeon General Warns Mosquitoes Not to Bite Miley Cyrus
WASHINGTON, D.C.–United States Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy issued a statement today warning mosquitoes to avoid contact with singer/actress Miley Cyrus. In recent months, mosquito communities across the nation have […]
Supreme Court Rules that Size Doesn’t Matter
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The United States Supreme Court ruled today 5-4 that size does not matter in any way in matters pertaining to human physiology. “It’s not the size of the wave, it’s […]
Activist Forced to Admit Stuffed Cecil the Lion Makes Stunning Trophy
So majestic BLOOMINGTON, Minnesota–Noted animal rights activist Jasmin Willowtree said today that while she stands by her view that big-game trophy hunting is a cruel and selfish practice, she was […]
Jared’s Subway Audition Comparing Subs to 16 Year-Old Pussy Should Have Been Red Flag, Exec Admits
Come to think of it… MILFORD, Connecticut–Subway Vice President of Marketing Jeremy Conway admitted today that there were several statements made by former spokesman Jared Fogle during his initial audition […]
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