Loser 11th Grader Still Hasn’t Lost Virginity to English Teacher
WACO, Texas—According to multiple sources, Mark Dodson, a junior at David Koresh High School, is the sole boy in his class who has yet to lose his virginity to Sandra […]
Nation’s Men Demand Transexuals Join Them in the Restroom
AMERICA–Men across the nation have rallied together to demand that transgender people who have male genitalia come on into the men’s room with them, like God intended. “Is that a […]
First Stage of Gitmo Shutdown to Affect Nightclubs, Waterpark
GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba—Critics of President Barack Obama’s inaction on his long-promised plan to close the federal detention center here were overjoyed at the news last week that the prison, commonly […]
Canada Expedites Construction of Wall Along US Border
OTTAWA, Ontario–As the country prepares to deal with a major influx of illegal immigrants, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that the government has issued an order in council […]
Farmer Vows to Make Foxes Build Impenetrable Fence to Keep Themselves Out of Chicken Coop
MAPLES GROVE, Iowa–Speaking to a large gathering of chickens in their coop, local farmer Benjamin Fisher promised to finally put an end to the steady stream of foxes that have […]
Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants Dying 14-Year-Old Boy’s Wish to Have Sex With Jerry Sandusky
Sandusky calls prison “Way better than I expected.” FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last […]
Nation’s Flies Rally Against Proposed Fly Swatter-Control Bill
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation’s capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters. The […]
Proposed Oklahoma Law Would Require A Woman To Knit Tiny Booties Prior To Getting An Abortion
OKLAHOMA CITY–A proposed new Oklahoma state law is under attack by women’s rights groups who argue that it will make it more difficult for a woman to choose to have an […]
Local Pig Desperately Trying To Learn To Talk As Slaughterhouse Date Approaches
SPRINGFIELD, MO—In just over a month, local pig farmer Dan Hankins will load this season’s yearlings into a trailer and transport them to the slaughterhouse. Fattening pigs, as they are […]
Frosty the Snowman Calls Climate Change “Greatest Hoax Ever Perpetrated”
Living proof BOSTON, Massachusetts–Legendary children’s entertainer Frosty “The Snowman” Goldstein testified before congress today on the subject of climate change. The former actor, who gained fame in the 1960s with […]
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