By Victor Miller

BWN Special Correspondent

GLENNAMMY, NEW YORK–Freenaque Larch, whose forebears are alleged to have incorporated the wealthy village of Larchmont, New York, pleaded no contest on Thursday last in New York’s Really Superior Court to charges of driving his 1931 Bugatti Royale Kellner Coupe under the influence of alcohol and off-label prescription drugs, resulting in an estimated $8.34 million damage to life and property in the tiny hamlet of Glennammy, New York.

Larch’s lame-ass plea before Justice Gaston DuBuque Larch (no relation) was simple: “My inner child was behind the wheel at the time of these unfortunate events.”

“Your honor, that is pure balderdash!” cried District Attorney Thomas Graves in an unfortunate falsetto. “Mr. Larch’s Inner Child is not a licensed driver in the State of New York!”

Justice Larch replied in a stentorian tone, “I am assuming you would then like to add ‘Driving Without a License’ to the charges here before me?”

DA Graves replied, “No your honor, I wish to have the defendant’s defense declared nolle prosequi! Defendant Larch cannot prove the existence of his inner child and therefore Junior Larch has no standing anywhere in this universe occupied by sane men and women of good will.”

With that the Defense Attorney, Prescott Stampler, asked that the case be moved to Juvenile Court for prosecution.