Researchers Unearth Clues Into the Origins of Danny DeVito


Early DeVito

CAIRO, Egypt–Researchers at the American University of Cairo announced they’ve made a major discovery that could provide clues into the origin of actor Danny DeVito.  Christian Carmine, professor of paleontology, and Michael Dawkins, professor of ancient history published a report in Discoverer Magazine in which they detail their findings, which suggest the versatile star may have emerged nearly 7,500 years earlier than previously believed.

Carmine and Dawkins led a team that uncovered a site in northern France that included cave wall writing and paintings that appear to depict a young DeVito performing around a campfire.  The site is believed to be from the late Paleolithic period.

“This site is over 10,000 years old, which shatters our previously held beliefs as to when DeVito first walked the earth,” Dawkins marvels, “After careful analysis of the wall art, we believe it depicts DeVito performing a very early version of Throw Momma From the Train.  It is incredibly thrilling.”

Historians have long placed DeVito’s origins as sometime between 2,000 and 2,500 B.C.  The first literary mention of the diminutive actor is in the poem, The Epic of Gilgamesh, in which he is described as a “hairy man-ape” sent by the gods to entertain Gilgamesh, king of Uruk.

DeVito has appeared in numerous texts and works of art throughout recorded history.  He is mentioned six times in the Bible, although scholars have long argued whether he is meant to be a figure of good or evil.

“The mystery of Danny DeVito has intrigued scientists and scholars for centuries,” Dawkins says, “He is one of history’s most divisive figures.  Some still doubt his very existence, even when the evidence is right in front of them.  Taxi is available on Netflix, for Pete’s sake.”

Dawkins and Carmine know they will face intense scrutiny into their claims.  Amateur DeVito researchers have already taken to social media and internet message boards in attempts to discredit their work.  But the two scientists remain supremely confident in their breakthrough.

“This discovery basically changes everything,” Carmine says, “But it also poses a whole new set of questions.  Where did DeVito come from?  How has he managed to, not only survive, but thrive?  If Rhea Perlman won’t have him, who will?

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